I've dreamed a dream...

Sorry for ya'll but this is definitely going to be a debbie downer post...

Cinderella... a little girl's idol. Her sweet counsel on not being ashamed of what you dream of because "A dream is a wish your heart makes." It's childish, tender, and yet over the last few weeks, I have come to realize the truthfulness of the statement as the emotions I have suppressed over the last 2 months antagonize and taunt the very dreams I dream.


It's been 2 months since my mother passed away. There are no words to describe the pain and sadness I feel, which is why it is a subject matter I do not discuss or share with people, as unhealthy as that might be. My Phil has been nothing but a trooper taking care of me when I finally break down and cry, let out my anger and depression. He has truly been a blessing through this time. But then there are the dreams of seeing my mom alive, hugging her, laughing with her...those are the dreams I feel consoled and at peace, until i wake up sobbing, wishing the death was a dream and her life were a reality.


Those who know me, will know I have found alot of happiness in music. I can't help but relate to Fantine in Les Miserables 
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.


I Miss my mom. I miss her phone calls, her advice, her laugh. I miss everything. My heart literally hurts knowing the last time i saw her was 4 months ago, but then i rejoice knowing I saw her on the happiest day of her life, being there for my wedding, surrounded by family and friends, nothing ailing her. Nothing would make me happier than to relive that day over and over again. I know heavenly father has been taking care of me, as well as my mom step by step...I know she is in a better place...But that's not enough for me....because I am not in a better place without her.


Those who have spoken with me concerning my mom's passing have seen the face I wear, the words of comfort i offer, the strength and composure I put forth. But when I allow that facade to fade away, I'm really a teary eyed little girl looking for my mommy. I have a testimony of the spirit world, i know she is living there with her father and sister, but I also know she is watching over us and she is my eternal mother. I am so grateful for an eternal family and the peace that alone gives me. I am so grateful for a supportive husband who allows himself to be there for me when my heart swells over with grief. I am grateful for the love of my family i have knowing I have them forever. I am so Grateful for friends who continue to stick by my side. And lastly, I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ, who suffered for all, but knows my heart and the pain I feel. Who knows how to comfort and console me, and never failing will always be by my side.


 "I'll Love you forever, I'll Love you for Always, as long as I'm Living, my mommy you'll be."